Who me, the caterpillar? Are you certain?

What if I were meant to be broken, meant to wait, to keep looking, to be a caterpillar always…. what if that is my journey, the journey of a caterpillar and there is no butterfly in the end. Hmmm that changes a lot of things. That would be pretty freeing nothing to struggle to become just be. Wow that’s freeing! 

What if I am “muqqamal” (complete) in this moment? All the sadness, anger, envy, feelings of insecurity and incompleteness, dreams unfulfilled, ambitions squished what if that is my completeness. Hmmm… that is awesome, nothing to correct, nothing to change, nothing to strive and struggle to be. What if this is it?  What if who I am in this moment is exactly who I am meant to be. No changes at all. The insanity is me the pretense is me the laughter is me the moodiness is me the guilt is me the inability is me the dependence is me the empathy is me the detachment is me the big heart is me the miser is me and the impulse is me the toe fungus is me the beautiful manicured hands is me. The doubt is me the faith is me, longing is me and walking away is me the traveler on a trail in the mountains is me the woman walking her dog in lululemons is me 

Is there really a mold to fit? Not really, aren’t we all insane, it’s just a matter of degrees. I am fortunate, I’ve been there and done that, so I know there is nowhere to go. There is beauty in the morning sky, in the raindrops, in the birds, in the wind chime in the lawnmowers loud jarring noise the breaking the silence there is beauty just look .

Yes I detest social gatherings with women the lunches and small talk….why I think its superficial….but is it really? Isn’t it each soul trying to prove that we are okay, sizing up the other and reassuring ourself that we are not as insane so we are good.

There is beauty in those eyes, in those attempts to connect, to assert to prove that we are alive there is beauty in every action every thought every word every gesture just look. Its just all of us caterpillars unaware that this is exactly who we are meant to be beautiful in our imperfections.

This moment is complete, no striving to prove, no guilt I’m no writer no coach no saleswoman no wife no mother no daughter no friend I just am exactly who I am.